Be Careful

For as long as I can remember, I've heard the phrase "Be careful what you wish for", occasionally with the added "Because you just might get it." 

I honestly don't remember ever wishing to be popular or that girl who every guy and girl within a 100 mile radius wants.  I always looked down on those people, always thought of myself as above them.  I didn't need people fawning all over me, I didn't need to always wear the most fashionable clothing or have the most friends or go to the biggest parties.  Hell, I didn't even need friends!  I was so self-sufficient, I could survive completely on my own company.

Sounds ridiculous, right?  Yeah, to me, too.  I realize now that that whole mindset was a defense mechanism against the bullying I dealt with through all of grades 1-12.  I didn't have a single friend until I got to high school, and even then, my group of friends was small.  Compact, if you will.  College wasn't a whole helluva lot better.  I made an odd friend here and there, and managed to keep a couple of them, but things really started turning around year 4.  I met the Triangle Fraternity and suddenly, I was that girl, I was popular.  I had a whole group of guys who I found awesome and who found me awesome. 

At the point that I met the fraternity, I was just getting out of a very abusive, controlling relationship.  When I was in that relationship, I was very submissive and quiet and docile and accepted that I wasn't going to have any friends or do any better than this guy.  Now I feel like I've completely rebounded to the other side.  Now I'm flirty and free and sexy (sexually liberated, at least) and happy.

But I'm still that girl.  I'm still popular.  And I'm not very good at being either of these things.

I flirt with most people.  It's just what I do.  I'm also very free with my cuddles and kisses and hugs and hand-holding.  I don't get along with most females, but I get along famously with most males.  Well, most males of the nerd persuasion.  So here I am, a female (who could questionably be considered attractive) who is flirty and fun and easy to get along with. 

I find the attention flattering.  But it wears on me emotionally.  I'm engaged to one man, dating another, and I can't focus any more romantic attention on any more people.  I have a lot of love to give, but it's not all romantic love. 

I have one friend (and they're all friends of mine, most of them close) who thinks of me as awesome and wishes there were more of me around.  Another one really wants to sleep with me and I'm not sure if that's where the attraction ends.  A third has said to me, "I need a girlfriend badly, but you're taken."  Another recently explained his feelings for me and felt mortified afterwards.  And one guy, a guy I'm becoming very close with, one I could easily consider my best friend...I'm not sure.  I love him with all the love I have as a friend, and he swears up and down that he's not attracted to me.  I believe him.  But I'm afraid that now that I've confided in him, he will try to force himself not to have any sort of "inappropriate feelings" for me. 

Heh, I realize I probably sound all emo.  "Look at me, I've got so many friends and so much attention, my life sucks!"  Honestly, that is not my intention or end goal.  I feel overwhelmed and this is my way of getting it out.  The only people who will read this, aside from random internet hoppers, will be those who I have given the address to.  In fact, I'm pretty sure no one in my circle knows this blog exists.  That's a freeing thought.

Here's the thing, the real kicker.  I want everyone to be happy.  I've always been a "people pleaser", but this is going to extremes.  I am trying so goddamn hard to make everyone else happy, at the expense of my own happiness.  I refuse to acknowledge that I might not be able to make other people happy.  I refuse to stop trying.  But it is exhausting.  I don't feel like I'm putting on different personalities for different groups, like some people do.  That can be exhausting in and of itself.  Instead, I'm trying to figure out how much attention to give to whom for how long to minimize the amount of suffering by all.  (Side note:  Why can't they cover math like this in Calculus??)  But that's utilitarianism for you, at least so far as I understand it.  The greatest amount of happiness to the greatest number of people.  By that logic, the happiness of seven guys with whom I regularly hang out (two of whom I'm actually with) is much more important than my own happiness. 

I've been taking steps (baby steps, to be sure, but steps nonetheless) to ensure my own happiness.  I've started dancing again, against my mother's wishes.  I've moved to Oklahoma, to be near my friends and far away from my in-laws.  I'm dating two wonderful guys.  I'm keeping the vast majority of my goings-on from my mother, who would give unwanted advice (she gives me advice, gets upset when I don't take it, even if that advice is bad advice.  Examples of bad advice she's given me that I've taken: Don't get a restraining order against your abusive ex who's threatened you repeatedly; Don't press charges against your abusive ex when he's beaten you up.  Example of bad advice that I haven't taken: Don't date your fiance.  Yeah, she told me not to date my fiance when I first started dating him). 

But what would make me truly happy?  If I could get this situation to work out perfectly, what would happen?  What would I wish for?  Obviously, what would make me truly happy is that no one would be in pain because of my stupidly flirtatious tendencies.  But since I would need to change who I am at my most fundamental elements, I don't think that would fly.  If, in order for no one to be in pain, I would need to change, I would wish that I was more reserved with my loving tendencies.  But I don't think I could be happy that way. 

Honestly, it is what it is.  I have to lie in the bed I've made.  I've made a lot of mistakes.  I'm not stupid enough (or vain enough or blinded enough) to think that this situation just happened.  Nothing just happens.  I made some mistakes and now I'm in the situation I'm in right now.  I'm venting about it, because the answer to how to fix this problem is either beyond the visible horizon or I'm blinding myself to it.  The easy solution would be to try to stop being flirtatious and outgoing.  But I don't think I could keep that up.  So the only answer I can see right now is to do damage control.  Try to keep people from getting too hurt.  They're going to get hurt, and that's on me, and I have to accept that and move on.  But I can try to mitigate the pain they're in.  Or rather, might possibly have.  It will exhaust me, I know this for a fact.  But really, I'm exhausting myself, using so many cylinders right now, what's a little more energy? 

I think I got everything out.  I should probably get to sleep now.  I'm very worn out.

Peace out.

WW